Seductive Bananas Outlawed – Oral Corruption Implied

Fears that the erotic oral consumption of bananas may corrupt humankind and drive our species to a mass exodus of the planet, leaving only banananized zombie-like fruity seductors (“seducers” if you’re anal about this) behind, is spreading quicker than conspiracy theories on the sexual orientation of bananas themselves.

In their own form of a really obnoxious reality show, China has apparently outlawed the seductive and erotic eating of bananas on online forums or video sharing platforms, saying it’s simply too vulgar. The now illegitimate action of popping a banana in your mouth and sharing that clearly sexual act online, will have to be monitored by the video and file-sharing companies and immediately deleted.

Of course, the first protests over banana consumption have erupted:

Protesting an erotic banana ban

Will this attempt at state-controlled banana-censoring prevail? Will Canada or the US follow and block banana binge banquets? What if you swallowed the banana whole? Was banana size and curvature considered? Can you still call a banana a “Big Mike”? And, as an article in The Guardian pointed out, referencing CCTV’s facebook page: “What of cucumber and apple”?.

More importantly – how will the Minions respond?




Big Mike goes bananas or the End of Banana is Near!

Bananas, like most of our foods, have been heavily modified over many years to better suit our tastes and needs. Even the bananas we are accustomed to right now are not even the same kind of bananas our grand- or great grandparents would have (possibly) had access to.

And the bananas are dying!

Big Mike was the banana of choice right up to the 1950s. The “Gros Michel” was the dominant type of banana until a very persistent fungus wiped out massive amounts of Big Mike banana plantations making the fungus-susceptible banana too high a risk to continue exporting. It wasn’t completely wiped out and is actually still grown and sold, although now predominantly to Asian markets. And it can still be affected by the fungus. While the fungus isn’t a health threat towards humans, the banana plants essentially wilt, dry and die. Which is a shame – the “Gros Michel” was apparently a much tastier version of banana – from the standpoint of the era. That is an important distinction, as we are now accustomed to a different type of banana and its taste. From our current banana taste-point, the “Gros Michel” apparently tastes like the artificial banana flavour the food industry uses. So while we think of artificial banana flavour as particularly fake, this is what bananas would have tasted like hadn’t the fungus come along. But Fusarium Oxysporum f.sp. cubense (Panama Disease) did and the pathogen, believed to have first developed in Southeast Asia, was first noticed in 1876 in Australian plantations.

The problem with banana cultivation is they are all clones.

Lego Star Wars - Banana

Banana berries (covered previously) are technically clones – they’re not grown from seeds. Continue reading “Big Mike goes bananas or the End of Banana is Near!”

Canada outeats US in bananas!

We’re number one!

When it comes to bananas, Canadians have been consistently outeating our southern neighbours. Per capita, Canadians consumed 32.5 lbs of bananas in 2012, while Americans only managed 30.5 lbs in the same year.






In 2014, Canadians upped their game, knocking back 34.4 lbs of delicious bananas. US numbers are currently unavailable. Our monkeys choose to believe its because the US has abandoned all hope of beating Canadians going bananas. Continue reading “Canada outeats US in bananas!”

Banana Mailing Experience

Anyone wanting to be an expert banana mailer, must obviously be adept in mailing bananas.

We’ve been mailing some test bananas packed differently, but still visibly. A mailed banana must be a seen banana!

Step 1. Banana choice. We choose beautifully green bananas. In this case, as green as was available. This banana was purchased on March 19th and had already started ripening so while still slightly green, it wasn’t near ideally green. Which, of course, didn’t deter our monkeys from immediately drawing and writing on it.


Step 2. Banana wrap. Continue reading “Banana Mailing Experience”

Banana Berry and bananas don’t grow on trees…

So where do bananas come from?

Chances are you gave the same answer I gave. From trees of course.

Of course I was wrong. Bananas don’t grow on trees. The plants are actually herbs, or better, herbaceous perennials and the “tree trunk” is actually a stem. And to further add to the confusion, the actual bananas aren’t even fruits. They’re berries.

To quote an excerpt from Greta Lorge: “True berries are simple fruits stemming from one flower with one ovary and typically have several seeds. Tomatoes fall into this group, as do pomegranates, kiwis and—believe it or not—bananas.”

To drive this point home, strawberries and raspberries – clearly berries, since it says so in the name – are actually fruits since the single flower has multiple ovaries to produce the “berry”. Clearly no longer…

Summarize: Tomatoes are fruits, strawberries and raspberries as well. And bananas are berries. This will make for an interesting smoothie…


Infinite Monkeys

So, why does employ the use of infinite monkeys? Because monkeys love bananas, and our bananas deserve the best writers, of course.

But really – it’s a theory that states “that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare”. (credit: wikipedia)

And it seems to have found somewhat of a basis in a real experiment. One crazy monkey with programming skills developed a program that simulated simians’ synapses simultaneously scripting Shakespearean speech. The program ran billions of random combinations and almost completed one of Shakespeare’s works.

We then asked those monkeys for some help writing infinite words on infinite bananas. The result: you can send a monkey a banana by mail!