Seductive Bananas Outlawed – Oral Corruption Implied

Fears that the erotic oral consumption of bananas may corrupt humankind and drive our species to a mass exodus of the planet, leaving only banananized zombie-like fruity seductors (“seducers” if you’re anal about this) behind, is spreading quicker than conspiracy theories on the sexual orientation of bananas themselves.

In their own form of a really obnoxious reality show, China has apparently outlawed the seductive and erotic eating of bananas on online forums or video sharing platforms, saying it’s simply too vulgar. The now illegitimate action of popping a banana in your mouth and sharing that clearly sexual act online, will have to be monitored by the video and file-sharing companies and immediately deleted.

Of course, the first protests over banana consumption have erupted:

Protesting an erotic banana ban

Will this attempt at state-controlled banana-censoring prevail? Will Canada or the US follow and block banana binge banquets? What if you swallowed the banana whole? Was banana size and curvature considered? Can you still call a banana a “Big Mike”? And, as an article in The Guardian pointed out, referencing CCTV’s facebook page: “What of cucumber and apple”?.

More importantly – how will the Minions respond?




Canada outeats US in bananas!

We’re number one!

When it comes to bananas, Canadians have been consistently outeating our southern neighbours. Per capita, Canadians consumed 32.5 lbs of bananas in 2012, while Americans only managed 30.5 lbs in the same year.






In 2014, Canadians upped their game, knocking back 34.4 lbs of delicious bananas. US numbers are currently unavailable. Our monkeys choose to believe its because the US has abandoned all hope of beating Canadians going bananas. Continue reading “Canada outeats US in bananas!”

Infinite Monkeys

So, why does employ the use of infinite monkeys? Because monkeys love bananas, and our bananas deserve the best writers, of course.

But really – it’s a theory that states “that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare”. (credit: wikipedia)

And it seems to have found somewhat of a basis in a real experiment. One crazy monkey with programming skills developed a program that simulated simians’ synapses simultaneously scripting Shakespearean speech. The program ran billions of random combinations and almost completed one of Shakespeare’s works.

We then asked those monkeys for some help writing infinite words on infinite bananas. The result: you can send a monkey a banana by mail!